Well it tasted good going down...

Just finished eating lunch at the cafe where I work. Today's Blue Plate Special was a breaded boneless chicken breast, green beans, a roll, and mashed potatoes with gravy. Oh and I had a sweet tea. It was yummy for a bit. Yeah, I actually thought (as I was eating until my plate was almost clean) that "at least I am eating green beans", but really, that meal was not the healthiest. Not the worst, but I am sure as all restaurants do, that the serving sizes were larger and the salt content was higher than recommended. Well, and don't even talk to me about my sweet tea. I just can't seem to drink water with a meal. It just doesn't seem to cleanse my pallet as well after the food.

I think that I am actually "thinking" more about my food. Not doing much about it, ya know, like making wiser choices, but I'm thinking about how and what I am eating and how I feel after I eat it. Like right now, about 10 minutes after eating lunch, I can tell you that I feel full up into my throat, like if I burped I'd be afraid I might throw up in my mouth a little. Oh, that paints a pretty picture for you! Anyway, I can also predict that I might feel really really sleepy in the next half hour. Not sure about it, but I know there are days that within an hour of lunch I'm ready for a nap.

On a side note, I was walking in to work yesterday and passed a woman coming the opposite way in the hall by my office. She was so out of breath, panting even, and she was on her way out of the air conditioned building into the heat. She was overweight, but an employee here at this hospital, obviously getting off work from the midnight shift which I am sure doesn't help her eating and sleeping habits/schedules. My thought was, "damn...I just walked in from the parking lot down the block in over 80 degree morning temp and I'm out of breath and have a little sweat on my upper lip and need to go straight in my office and get a cold bottled water, sit down, and turn my fan directly on me"....then my thought was, "If I don't straighten my ass out, I could be that lady in the next few years". I mean, honestly, I was on the Beachbody website the other night, just browsing around, trying to get motivated looking at "success stories" and I decided I should update my profile info. I had first registered on there in 2009 I think, and at that time I listed my weight as 205....now, two years later, I am at 250 lbs. WTF?!?!!? Dumb ass, lard ass, disgusting depressed fat ass!

Oh, and as I was leaving my internship late yesterday, my supervisor there was sending me out with a gallon of sweet tea and a huge Ziploc bag of assorted homemade cookies that they had left over from their company awards luncheon earlier that day. Should I have refused? Yes. Did I? No. When I got home I had one large cup of sweet tea with my dinner of Schwan's Chicken Lo Mien and had a couple half broken cookies that really weren't that good. Then I went and layed down in bed to watch TV. Yep, I am a pathetic lazy slug! This is your life fat girl! You used to be thin with hourglass curves and now you are just curve upon curve of rolls. What was that old thing about "can you pinch an inch?" Hell yeah I can pinch an inch! I weigh 100 lbs more than I did 10 years ago. I can pinch quite a few inches!

Working out the curves (like working out the kinks, but for a curvy girl!)

Some of the hardest things about starting a blog are deciding on a title (and then finding one some other yahoo hasn't taken already), finding a good name to be known by (because you don't want it to be stupid, too identifiable, or hard to remember when you're stressing out). I have a cluttered messy apartment and a very cluttered and messy bedroom, and on top of holding onto too much stuff in my home I am also holding onto too damn much weight. I would like to divide my weight in half...of course then I'd be a little stick figure and need to gain a few pounds, but damned if I want to keep looking and feeling like this. (Yes, I am typing this as I am thinking of grabbing another ice cream drumstick!! So sue me!)\

I have been wasting the last month, sleeping, eating, working, doing internship hours, going to school, doing homework, and eating some more. I haven't been grocery shopping, eating better, exercising, reading, cleaning, or being productive in any other way. The television is getting a workout! (That's the only workout in this place lately though!!)

So, I'm trying to get my motivation going....I was always thin, with baby-making hips (that will NEVER be used for that!), as I got older and felt cute I would wear short short and short shirts. NOW I am not cute, not pretty, not attractive, just a big ol' overweight blob. UGH! I am afraid to see people I know, (from my past non-fat days) and hvae them see me and think DAMN SHE'S GOT FAT!! I sure as HELL don't want any of my ex boyfriends to see what I've become. I mean damn, I am ashamed of what I have become. And yet....that ice cream still sits in my fridge, the soda still sits by my plate at lunch every day.

The thing is, I'm single, alone, actually have some times when I feel "lonely", I miss feeling confident and cute. I don't want to date a fat man so why would any man want to date me?!?!? Definitely a fat chick. I mean really, fat, disgusting, weighing more than the guys I used to date, even the muscular ones. Fat freakin' sucks. Not sure why I have never really put forth a full complete effort with working out and losing weight. You should see all the workout DVDs I have. Awesome ones, that people really have success with. Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of hard work? Hell, I am sure not afraid of the results! I sometimes even forget I am fat. I still picture myself thinner when I see clothes that I think are cute. When I have dreams at night, I either don't see myself, or I really think I'm thin in my dream.

I suffer from fatigue, depression, asthma, have a hotter body temperature at night, have back pain, and just feel like shit alot. I know it's my weight gain. Now I just need to do something about it. Would love to be an "After" instead of a "Before."

Anyway, this is my blog for venting, working through this weird time in my life. I've got a lot going on, school, work, homework, internship, but I still have time to do other things that would make me healthier and happier, I just spend my spare time watching TV and sleeping, and that's not getting me anywhere good fast.