Some of the hardest things about starting a blog are deciding on a title (and then finding one some other yahoo hasn't taken already), finding a good name to be known by (because you don't want it to be stupid, too identifiable, or hard to remember when you're stressing out). I have a cluttered messy apartment and a very cluttered and messy bedroom, and on top of holding onto too much stuff in my home I am also holding onto too damn much weight. I would like to divide my weight in half...of course then I'd be a little stick figure and need to gain a few pounds, but damned if I want to keep looking and feeling like this. (Yes, I am typing this as I am thinking of grabbing another ice cream drumstick!! So sue me!)\
I have been wasting the last month, sleeping, eating, working, doing internship hours, going to school, doing homework, and eating some more. I haven't been grocery shopping, eating better, exercising, reading, cleaning, or being productive in any other way. The television is getting a workout! (That's the only workout in this place lately though!!)
So, I'm trying to get my motivation going....I was always thin, with baby-making hips (that will NEVER be used for that!), as I got older and felt cute I would wear short short and short shirts. NOW I am not cute, not pretty, not attractive, just a big ol' overweight blob. UGH! I am afraid to see people I know, (from my past non-fat days) and hvae them see me and think DAMN SHE'S GOT FAT!! I sure as HELL don't want any of my ex boyfriends to see what I've become. I mean damn, I am ashamed of what I have become. And yet....that ice cream still sits in my fridge, the soda still sits by my plate at lunch every day.
The thing is, I'm single, alone, actually have some times when I feel "lonely", I miss feeling confident and cute. I don't want to date a fat man so why would any man want to date me?!?!? Definitely a fat chick. I mean really, fat, disgusting, weighing more than the guys I used to date, even the muscular ones. Fat freakin' sucks. Not sure why I have never really put forth a full complete effort with working out and losing weight. You should see all the workout DVDs I have. Awesome ones, that people really have success with. Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of hard work? Hell, I am sure not afraid of the results! I sometimes even forget I am fat. I still picture myself thinner when I see clothes that I think are cute. When I have dreams at night, I either don't see myself, or I really think I'm thin in my dream.
I suffer from fatigue, depression, asthma, have a hotter body temperature at night, have back pain, and just feel like shit alot. I know it's my weight gain. Now I just need to do something about it. Would love to be an "After" instead of a "Before."
Anyway, this is my blog for venting, working through this weird time in my life. I've got a lot going on, school, work, homework, internship, but I still have time to do other things that would make me healthier and happier, I just spend my spare time watching TV and sleeping, and that's not getting me anywhere good fast.
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